Chrizo

Paella via Flickr

A friend laments whether he “deserves” a relationship.  I often wonder if this is a common occurence, the questioning of one’s  “worthiness.”

I won’t say relationships are simple and make you feel stupid for not being good at it.  In fact, I do believe they’re fairly complicated things that need constant attention and nurturing. But the one frame of mind one should NOT fall into is convincing yourself that it’s not for you.

I liken the ability to interact romantically with another person to cooking.  You’re not born with it, but most of how to do it has become stock knowledge, and many books have been written on both subjects.  At first (if you are truly motivated to succeed at it) you follow the examples laid by your peers, parents, and maybe pick up a book on the subject.  A person just learning how to cook (or burn food as it usually goes) will use recipes to create dishes, but over time and constant practice, eventually learn to discern the nuances of all the different spices and ingredients that work together to make a savory meal.  As with relationships, you can’t expect to get it right the first time, the second time, or even the third time.  But practice (and observation) makes perfect, or close to it at least.  This of course is an over-simplification as every person is different, while cooking ingredients have a predictable consistency to them.  But, there will always be traits common in every person, and emotions that take similar stimuli to tap.  So what one learns from a particular experience can generally be applied to the next, in moderation of course.

Over time, this ability will give one confidence.  Not the misplaced, over-compensating swagger of a young buck in his new hiphop gear, but the secure serenity that exudes from a man in Saville Row’s finest who knows his place in the world, and that he deserves it.

You can take this a step further, and compare your ideal partner or mate to your favorite dish.  It is reasonable to assume that if one had any motivation to prepare his favorite dish, he would start to fine tune the mix of spices to suit his taste.  The same goes for the ideal partner: If you had an idea what qualities you want in one, then you would eventually develop and adopt the skills and traits that will attract that kind of person.  It comes with maturity, and quite possibly the realization that one must work for things that are worth it.

This is about as simple as I can explain it.  I’m positive you’re not the first person to doubt himself and his self worth, but you can be one of those who did something about it.  Many have expressed their desire for a particular person or specific traits, but have not taken a long look at themselves and asked the harder question: Do they deserve that type of person?

In works in reverse too, sometimes it pays to ask if that person deserves YOU.